Trip Report
File under: Committing to C-Mac's Keep It Clean in 2013 - When Duty Calls on the NEB
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Monday May 6, 2013 5:38pm
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Have you ever mantled onto a belay ledge only to find a pair of beshatted underwear draped over the roots of the tree you want to tie into? If you're a Valley climber who likes to get out and climb the Big Classics from time to time, the odds are good that hell yeah you have!
Nobody is perfect, we all do things we don't feel proud of when the lamp clicks off and we're left alone with our thoughts at night. That's partly why my partner and I took the hit this weekend. We zip-locked up somebody's nasty deuce and hiked it out. Making amends for past sins.
But if anyone out there recognizes these boxers from high up on the NEB, you owe me and my partner a beer.
 Visit on googleusercontent.com
 Visit on googleusercontent.com
The NEB's p9, left variation, (ONE pitch from the top! Really? Couldn't white-knuckle your way through one final pitch?!) is going to be a nicer place to be for the next few parties than it was for the last few.
Climb on, and Keep It Clean in 2013. Yop!
 Visit on googleusercontent.com
 Visit on googleusercontent.com
le_bruce
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About the Author
le_bruce is a climber from Oakland: what's not to love?. |
Comments
JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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Ycch! It certainly wasn't mine, but if I ever meet you, I'll gladly buy you guys a beer for your good deed cleaning up one the the Valley's very best climbs.
John
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nutjob
Sport climber
Almost to Hollywood, Baby!
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Bwaaaaa haa hahaa haha! Classic!
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j-tree
Big Wall climber
Typewriters and Ledges
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I've deep-sixed quite a few pairs of boxers, but I had the good sense to keep wearing them until I got to the top (and proper shrubbery TP) then packed them out after "sterilizing" them in dirt.
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micronut
Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
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I'm no expert, but those look like Euro Chonies.
Rad TR. Keep the stoke alive!
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micronut
Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
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I've used the sleeves off my t-shirt on two occasions, about three months apart. Now my wife knows what went down when I come home in a "tank top", when I left home in a plain white t that morning.
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Kalimon
Social climber
Ridgway, CO
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I don't think euros wear boxers . . . but they do look pretty odd. Nice job you guys, keeping America clean.
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le_bruce
climber
Oakland, CA
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Author's Reply
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May 6, 2013 - 10:55pm PT
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Kalimon, I like how you're framing it. It was a patriotic act on our part. I don't get behind the "Seal Our Borders" movement, but I'm all for sealing our belays.
Nutjob, I know why you're laughing.
J-tree that's just hilarious. Could you clarify "good sense" and "quite a few"?! Hahahahaa.
Speaking of good sense, we deployed the steady hands of an oral surgeon, nay a bomb defuser while using twigs to roll and then pack the boxers into that ziplock. I also suspected euro but my partner is European and I didn't want to offend her with my debased stereotyping.
And speaking of oral surgeons: Micronut, I can picture your wife looking out of the living room window as you pull up in your rig, a thoughtful, concerned look on her face: Hope my man had lots of fun in Yosemite. Ohhh, hmm, that's a whole lot of bicep showing. I guess Scott brapped his pants again.
Cracking myself up right now. Reverting to fifth grade mentality. I'm sorry.
Edit: JE, thanks! Maybe when we do sit down to a beer you can explain the SW Arete of Lower Bro to me... haha
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Mark Hudon
Trad climber
On the road.
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Thanks for that Le-Bruce. Excellent job!
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le_bruce
climber
Oakland, CA
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Author's Reply
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May 6, 2013 - 11:04pm PT
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Few more pics:
Anyone know what route this is, right Braille Book? Somebody was getting a pretty sweet photo session in.
-Never seen the dogwood as glorious as it was this weekend.
-First time doing this route with a 70m - so much can be linked! Twice we linked three pitches into one.
-Had done both of the other finishes, first time doing the original and really liked it. They're all good, tough to say which is best.
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mucci
Trad climber
The pitch of Bagalaar above you
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Great work taking care of the shizzle.
Still lookin at the SW arete? I dig it!
I like that close up wiregate photo, great corner there below.
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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JE, thanks! Maybe when we do sit down to a beer you can explain the SW Arete of Lower Bro to me... haha
I'm still laughing at the thought of the SW Arete and the NEB mentioned in the same TR. I'll let you know before my next trip to the Valley, so I can arrange for the beers. I'm waiting for Father's Day, though, when I turn 62 and can get my Golden Turkey.
John
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Alexey
climber
San Jose, CA
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Anyone know what route this is, right Braille Book? I think it one of the Clint's routes
Blinded by the Light 5.10c or Perfect Vision 5.11c
http://www.stanford.edu/~clint/yos/braille.htm
And Bryce, euros do not cary boxers, this is american's panties
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Some Random Guy
climber
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But if anyone out there recognizes these boxers from high up on the NEB... so it looks like vitaliy and donini were both up there over the past week. come on boys, fess up, who was it?
if you do bear creek spire soon you may want to bring more zip locks. i left some treasure along the way. sorry, it was an "emergency"
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micronut
Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
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My guess is that Doninni wears burlap, handmade.
That leaves Vitaliy. Suspect.
Great route and photos by the way Bryce.
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le_bruce
climber
Oakland, CA
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Author's Reply
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May 7, 2013 - 01:26pm PT
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And Bryce, euros do not cary boxers, this is american's panties.
Alexey I guarantee you that Putin wears micro-plush boxers to get the support he needs.
PS - Got your letter in the mail. Hilarious that Ed and Scott went with good old PayPal, while you sent cold, hard, unmarked cash that - when I removed it from the envelope - filled my home with a pleasant metallic potpourri smell, equal parts kalashnikov and olympic medal. You da' man, Alexey!
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nutjob
Sport climber
Almost to Hollywood, Baby!
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Who needs Old Spice when you can have Kalashnikov & Olympic Gold?
OK, shipoopi style, here's my confession. On Northeast Buttress of Higher Cathedral Rock, I left a duke. A Marmaduke sized duke. But I didn't leave soiled undergarments.
It was my first trip up the route, the summer of 2005. The night before I had consumed a Trader Joe's peppered pork packet of sandwich meat. Now I should have known better, since my body reacts poorly to consuming swine. After hiking up the gulley, I really tried to let it out. But my gurgling strangling intestines were not ready. I carried a load in my gut right from the start of the climb. Every pitch I was ejecting fierce, rude, molten stink bombs. I prayed for movement so I could shamelessly flatulate with a radius of serenity around me. I recall some of those belays, legs all stemmed out, another party poised to pass us all scrunched up right in the kill zone, and I could feel it coming. My mouth twisted in black humor and grimace, malice and contrition, all rolled into one. All I could do was apologize in advance, and there was nowhere to run. OH! That's bad. Real bad. Make you pissed off and angry bad. Teary eyed you don't do that to friends bad. But to strangers? Just as they could find no shelter from the wrath of my colon, stuck on two feet of belay slings at the epicenter, I could find no shelter from the flaming shame of ownership, no relief from the burning eyes of the strangers I had accosted. My punishment was to remain, point blank, at the scene of the crime.
By the time we reached the upper pitches, it was a real contest of wills. Me and my colon. I was going to show that turd who's boss, show it that my sphincter is made of the same iron as my will and determination. But time waits for no man, and the march of progress cannot be denied. I could taste it as I pulled on the final jugs at the lip, and before making an anchor or yelling off belay I dropped my trousers to my knees and tried to stay clear of the maelstrom. Oh, the euphoria, the glory of topping out, the emotional and spiritual and physical release! I had carried so much for so long that the ecstasy is indescribable. My eyes half closed, mouth half-turned in a grin, crouching on my knees and elbows utterly spent, bare ass shining toward one of the most hard earned glorious valley views.
After savoring the moment, I scuttled about to face what I had wrought. And I kept scuttling? It was nowhere to be seen! The immaculate conception! I persisted in disbelief, and then all was revealed. I had been scanning the ground, and did not at first see one of the rarest of creatures in it's natural habitat: a mud falcon at rest, perched in the twigs of a bush, about two feet off the ground. It was impressive. And then all at once the weight of responsibility struck upon me, and I knew shame. A person who feels guilty tries to make it better, to clean up their mistakes. A person who feels shame knows that they are fundamentally flawed and there is no point in trying to fix it. I was the shameful father of an abomination, laid at the alter of a sacred temple in the climbing world. There was no hope for redemption. I cleaned up myself with leaves and rocks as best I could, brought up my partner, and made a hasty exit of the scene. The lonely falcon remained in its perch.
I wear a smile to hide my cries,
my shining eyes, the years of lies
my shame repressed and now reprised,
in euro-briefs of other guys
Thank you le_bruce for creating the space for me to come clean.
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Vitaliy M.
Mountain climber
San Francisco
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This is turning into an interesting thread, thanks to nutjob. I confess to having a similar experience mid way up Dark Star (on Temple Crag). I climbed to a ledge and could not control myself, the urge came and within seconds I HAD to go. Yelled to my partner and got one out. Thank god I was following, or he would have to do some 5.12 moves to get around that spray of love! I was real happy we did not see anyone one that buttress on the day after. Thunderstorms were in the forecast in near future, so hopefully no poor soul had to climb over that disaster.
PS: I saw those briefs, but to be honest did not want to touch them. I bet they were there because someone back in the day forgot toilet paper. By now rain washed feces away, but thought of it made me a little sick, and I didn't take them...I did remove old tattered shirt (?) from around the summit area though. Now that I think of it, I bet it was used for same thing....it is a good thing to hike all the garbage we find out, I will do my best to keep doing it. Took out an empty can from Kat Walk last weekend too.
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10b4me
Social climber
Lida Junction
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thanks for the clean up
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cultureshock
Trad climber
Mountain View
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Alexy got it. Mikey and co were on Perfect Vision.
Curious how it was. Perhaps its a good time to do it, since it just got climbed.
Another photo from/of the route.
(Credit: James Lucas's Instagram)
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micronut
Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
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Nutjob. That story made my day. You are pardoned. May the supertopo gods grant you intestinal peace in your journey henceforth. Go. And shat no more.
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Vitaliy M.
Mountain climber
San Francisco
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Here is garbage I took out from the summit area... :)
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le_bruce
climber
Oakland, CA
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Author's Reply
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Sep 27, 2013 - 03:16pm PT
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Hadn't checked back in to see the last few posts. The Nut duo, Micro- and -Job, bringing out the guffaw's in me.
Go. And shat no more.
Someone please put this on a t-shirt.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Sep 27, 2013 - 03:20pm PT
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Third pic in the second group of pics, she's hanging on that cam!!!
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RyanD
climber
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Sep 27, 2013 - 03:27pm PT
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Haha awesome shitty TR, good job guys- nutjobs story got me dyin ova hee!! LOL!
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Radish
Trad climber
SeKi, California
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Sep 27, 2013 - 05:28pm PT
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Nice deed and great pics! Yea, there's nothing like the anticipations of doing a hard climb in the early morning at the base and a cup of strong coffee to get you ready that seem to make all your innards head for the exit door!
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Jeremy Hadland
Trad climber
aptos
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May 18, 2014 - 10:31pm PT
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I would be happy to claim those but I honestly can't since that happened last year and I shat my pants up there just a few weeks ago. Took a 30' fall down the last chimney pitch on the supertopo route. Luckily I slung the tree below cause I had no gear left that was big enough to protect it. Being the man that I am I kept my panties on and hiked them out so that no one had to climb over that sh#t.
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Kalimon
Social climber
Ridgway, CO
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May 18, 2014 - 11:06pm PT
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Nice shots le_bruce!
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le_bruce
climber
Oakland, CA
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Author's Reply
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May 19, 2014 - 12:39pm PT
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Third pic in the second group of pics, she's hanging on that cam!!!
Bite your tongue, brother - she cranks much harder than I do! Plus I think she's distantly related to legendary Warrior off guard Sarunas Marciulionis.
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Rollover
climber
Gross Vegas
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May 19, 2014 - 02:05pm PT
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Funny thread!
Found this humorous entry about a month ago
Summit register on Whiskey Peak in Red Rock.
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steveA
Trad climber
Wolfeboro, NH
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May 19, 2014 - 02:37pm PT
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Those big white flakes, on the traverse up high on the NEB, are going to fall off. Hope I'm not in the area when that happens!
Some nice photo's of the route.
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
https://nutagain.org
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May 19, 2014 - 04:04pm PT
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le_bruce, there were two reasons I was laughing. Has the statute of limitations passed on the second one?
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le_bruce
climber
Oakland, CA
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Author's Reply
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May 19, 2014 - 04:23pm PT
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NutAgain, let me continue to atone in dignified, pious, silent solemnity. Statute of limitations passes at St. Peter's Gate.
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Northeast Buttress of Higher Cathedral is one of the best Grade IV climbs in the Valley. Photo: Greg Barnes
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Other Routes on Higher Cathedral
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| Regular Route, 5.9
Higher Cathedral Spire
The route winds up the left skyline to the summit. The traditional start is lower on the left. |
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