Trip Report
How I Learned to Climb the NIAD in 3 Days and 2 Nights
Wednesday July 6, 2011 12:28pm
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Warning: zero-beta alert. In fact, there is nothing insightful about this trip report. Our accomplishment is tarnished by the fact that thousands upon thousands before us have done the same damn thing. And have written about it, too. We know we’re not special. Well, maybe in that short school bus kinda way, but not because we climbed The Nose. Allow me to entertain you with my enthusiasm for story telling anyway. Who knows, maybe this will evoke feelings of nostalgia from a time when you and your partner bit off way more than you could chew. Whatever. You have been warned.
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The speed climbing beta spray continued. I nod my head like I know what the hell these bridge rats are talking about and take a mental note to google words like, “Pakistani Death Loop” and “How to Speed Climb for Dummies”. I know. SOME THINGS SHOULD NOT BE DONE BY DUMMIES. True.
2pm Saturday: I short fix myself to the back of a Sprinter, toss the rope over a tree branch and jump off the roof of my car. The modified grigri was, in fact, up to the task of catching 125 pounds of moron. Neat! From here our troubles began.
“So what’s your guys’ strategy?”
“We will start climbing at 4pm.”
“And…?”
(Silence)
“Hahaha. No and, huh? Well, then. Good luck. Remember, you just have to commit.”
Cranking our necks up at the giant choss pile that lay before us, we start to get cold feet.
Saturday night: The Hungarian and I set off to the base a few hours behind schedule. Through the stormy spring of 2011, we bonded over our shared love of logistical improvisation and extreme self-flagellation. With fairy tales fornicating in our heads, we romanticize about trying to climb the NIAD. Yes! WE CAN DO IT! It, you know, seemed reasonable at the time.
Here I am climbing the first four pitches. We were, albeit foolishly, inspired to start at night to avoid the now blazing summer heat. Our revised strategy: take intermittent Benjamin Franklin style naps, charge in the daylight, come down with headlamps, fly back to San Francisco on my magic carpet and be back in time for work, showered, shaved and cleanly dressed 9am Monday morning. Again, Seemed. Reasonable. At. The. Time.
I was calmer knowingly starting in the dark. It didn’t matter. Even with the familiarity of having climbed these pitches the week prior in daylight, they proved difficult. And while this might come as a huge surprise, I was exhausted. Cold feet prevailed and we decided to come down from Sickle, get some rest, add more water to the haul bag, bring the poop tube and start the next morning.
Sunday 6am: Jugging the fixed lines back to Sickle was a breeze. Aid climbing is like sex. It’s exhilarating yet awkward at the get go, but the more you do it the better you get. And once you get married and have babies, I hear it’s typically the first thing that goes out the window.
At Sickle, we intersect a real NIAD party and let them run along. Pigless parties go first. Nice guys from Tahoe. It was also their first time on the Nose, but unlike us, they were committed, prepared and from the looks of it, climbed without any struggle.
Stovelegs Part 1: Jugging past 120’ of splitter 5.8 hands. I’m on cleaning duty. Like a poor man in a strip club, I ogle, but can’t touch. Next time you find yourself climbing an amazingly fun or horrendously long pitch, consider giving your belayer a warm, appreciative hug. They are left to do a lot of the dirty work with none of the glory, tending rope and providing encouragement while you play and live to see another day. Sometimes I think it’s more fun to watch a Chia Pet grow fur. No wonder the Silent Partner retails at $240. Human labor is cheap.
Stovelegs Part 2: JamjamMEEP. Two beady eyes stare back at me in equal disbelief. Crikey. I just socked a baby bird in the face. There’s a sign outside a church near my home that reads, "God doesn't care if you wear jeans." While that might be true, I’m betting The Big Guy in the Sky has a problem with people assaulting cute animals. The tenth circle of hell is home to serial bird punchers, baby seal clubbers and long standing members of PETA. Little known fact. Don’t believe me? Check Wikipedia in 2 hours. Not wanting to add insult to injury, I refrain from flashing my camera at his poor face.
My partner takes over and swiftly gets us to Dolt. We chow and nap. Speed climbers, indeed! From Dolt, we run to the base of Texas Flake. RAAA! GO-GO-GADGET-CAM-HANDS! I whip out both #4s and crack jumar my way to our first bivy and we continue up to fix to the top of TF.
Pitch 15, The Texas Flake: This is as easy as they get in Yosemite. Even the most unskilled can wiggle up this thing. That said, I still clip the chicken bolt and also protect up higher with a perfect .5 placement. The Hungarian continues on, fixes up to the top of Boot Flake, raps and cleans. We were ready to swing the next day.
Night #1: One word: ghetto. I crawl into a 40L haul bag and wrap a space blanket around my head. I consider this training for when I’m 65, 401K less and robbed of all Social Security benefits. Future Queen Hobo in the making.
The monkeys were definitely not sending, but were pretty okay with the circumstances. We accepted the realization of our non-speed climbing abilities and were happy that we hauled up plenty of water. Good news, we were hydrated. Bad news, I was so going to get fired.
Monday morning: we crawl to the start of the King Swing. Too low, my partner still sticks a huge pendulum 15’ below Eagle Ledge. Me? I limp along like a wet dishrag in slippery sneakers. He tosses the rope. I batman my way toward the anchor.
We are met with an NIAD team. Nice pair from Los Angeles that helped extricate our pig from Texas Flake. We were grateful. One hadn’t climbed in a year. They were “out of shape” and “working out”. Seriously, where were all the bailing wall style sufferfesters to make us feel better about ourselves? Oh right, we were it. Team Ego Boost! We all make our way toward The Great Roof, but we had more haul bag issues, so they sped away.
At the roof we were passed by another pair of NIADers who had also never climbed The Nose. Two of us were cleaning the roof. I encountered brain freeze with a stuck jumar and botched their attempts at a smooth pass. It’s times like these when you know you have a truly great partner. He never once yelled. Silently he waited for me to figure things out for myself while I publicly demonstrated my inability to problem solve in a timely manner. Profusely apologizing doesn’t bring back lost time, so I stop and we high-five to me MacGyvering my way out of my own mess and continue onward.
From there, I go. Since I have roughly the same sized bladder as a Keebler Elf, I go fast. On a wall with lady parts, I am at an even more considerable disadvantage. Seriously, boys, we conceive babies; we make less money with the same title; we lose our last name; we pay to have our ass crack waxed; we menstruate; we are deceived by mechanics; we are forced to hold our bladders while we watch you stand comfortably in the middle of a climb and urinate in cursive. At least we outlive you, can multi-task and don’t have to worry about boners. But still. I’m jealous about the peeing. I barely make it to Camp 5 before liberally urinating for what I think was a personal record. We fix to the Glowering Spot and bivy below for Night #2.
Tuesday morning, we run to Camp 6. Unlike most people I know, I quite enjoy pooing on a wall. I mean, look at the view. Sure beats the hell outta staring at sheetrock and back copies of Rock & Ice. I drop anchor while my partner takes on the Changing Corners and then I scamper along to pitch 28 and link to the freezing cold alcove.
For my hand size, THIS was the Angelina Jolie of pitches. 200’ of #1s. The Hungarian jugs toward me. I greet him with a goofy smile and a giant bear hug. That pitch rocked my world.
On the last day we finally have good rhythm and figure out our systems just as the pig was getting light and the summit was nearing. My partner takes us through the bolt ladder and after 60 hours into our 24-hour attempt, we make it to the top.
We take our summit shot from a distance since we looked about as bad as we smelled and were unable to smile with our sunburnt lips. We rejoiced and frowned with laughter. We lay there comatose until storm clouds start to form and make threats to pour.
Two hours later we’re back at the bridge. I drive like a mad woman to the pizza deck, booty leftovers, heat it all up on my engine block and return back to camp. The 2 pack of rock hard abdominal muscles I carved on the Nose was quickly lost to 7 slices of pizza, 3 bowls of pasta, a slice of chocolate crème pie and 12 Ikea meatballs. Finding something you're really good at, if you haven't already done so by your mid-20s, is difficult. Definitely not a speed climber, but now considering the competitive eating circuit. You think I'm joking? If you are my mother, than yes I am.
Dumb and full I stare intently at a fortune cookie someone taped to a bear box. “Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience.”
Hmm. I have regrets. I don't mull over any of them for too long, but I have them and luckily don't have to harbor any like having to give up illegitimate children, buying a home or passing up a free sex change. I do, however, regret punching what I hope wasn’t a baby Peregrine. And I do regret that we didn’t commit- commit to going wall style. We had the goods to go slower, but felt this urgency to climb with speed.
Wall style climbing is underrated. We were too busy getting away from each other speed climbing that we never really got to hang out and have the fun we really could have had. We regret not having a Jetboil, no music blazing dance parties. We regret hauling no beer. These are things you have to sacrifice if you want to go light and fast. Since we weren’t going fast, we should have gone heavier. While a bit tough on the hauling, The Nose is an easy route and one that we would have really enjoyed if we savored it. We didn’t commit to a style and for that we suffered.
That night, it dumps rain all over the valley.
The next morning with the magic carpet nowhere to be found, we make our way back to San Francisco in a car. We giggle endlessly over our ridiculous ascent. We had enough of Yosemite to last us until fall.
The Captain and I are on trial separation. Time to rebound with the Incredible Hulk.
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Trip Report Views: 17,538 |
tahoe523
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About the Author Shino Jomoto is currently residing in San Francisco and surprisingly still gainfully employed. |
Comments
hb81
climber
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Stovelegs Part 2: JamjamMEEP. Two beady eyes stare back at me in equal disbelief. Crikey. I just socked a baby bird in the face. There’s a sign outside a church near my home that reads, "God doesn't care if you wear jeans." While that might be true, I’m betting The Big Guy in the Sky has a problem with people assaulting cute animals. The tenth circle of hell is home to serial bird punchers, baby seal clubbers and long standing members of PETA. Little known fact. Don’t believe me? Check Wikipedia in 2 hours. Not wanting to add insult to injury, I refrain from flashing my camera at his poor face.
Hahahahahahahahahaha. Nice writing. :)
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elcap-pics
Big Wall climber
Crestline CA
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Fun stuff!! I thought you guys were going to die... thought little of your plan... and then... well you did it!! Pulled it off against considerable odds... good for you both!!
Congratualtions, and regards,
Tom
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Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
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Awesome! I lol'd
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Slakkey
Big Wall climber
From Back to Big Wall Baby
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LOL great writing. No matter what style at least you were there. Nothing better than a Big Wall Adventure.
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mcreel
climber
Barcelona
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Thanks for another great TR, you had me laughing out loud in a few places.
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Footloose
Trad climber
Lake Tahoe
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Like a poor man in a strip club, I ogle, but can’t touch.
Funny.
I crawl into a 40L haul bag and wrap a space blanket around my head. I consider this training for when I’m 65, 401K less and robbed of all Social Security benefits.
Second favorite funny.
Seriously, boys, we conceive babies; we make less money with the same title; we lose our last name; we pay to have our ass crack waxed; we menstruate; we are deceived by mechanics; we are forced to hold our bladders while we watch you stand comfortably in the middle of a climb and urinate in cursive.
Third favorite funny.
And I learned something new, too. Wow.
Great writeup. Thanks for sharing.
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
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From the fornicating fairytales, to the bladder rant,
your trip report rocked my world!
Go girl!
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Well played.
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murcy
Gym climber
sanfrancisco
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Sick!
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GhoulweJ
Trad climber
El Dorado Hills, CA
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Nice
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Phil_B
Social climber
CHC, en zed
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I'll read your spew any day of the week.
Thanks for posting up.
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valygrl
climber
Boulder, CO
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Awesomest TR ever.
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Russ Walling
Social climber
from Poofters Froth, Wyoming
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Good stuff!
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slidingmike
climber
CA
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Love it, thanks so much for the stoke!
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Clint Cummins
Trad climber
SF Bay area, CA
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Thanks for sharing!
Pretty killer season with the extended weekends!
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Gunkie
Trad climber
Valles Marineris
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...and don’t have to worry about boners.
Wait. Oh yeah, I remember those days.
Great TR!
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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Fun! Thanks for your excellent report.
John
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Lace
climber
Seattle, WA
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Awesome. Thanks for another TR that is the ray of sunshine in my day.
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couchmaster
climber
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Best trip report since your last phenomenal one of the Salathe. World class writing and we get it free right here on the Taco! Woot!
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John Moosie
climber
Beautiful California
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Classic! LOL.. When do you start training for El Cap and Half dome in a day?
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Ottawa Doug
Social climber
Ottawa, Canada
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That was a great TR! Thanks.
Doug
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micronut
Trad climber
Fresno/Clovis, ca
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Hoorah! For sheer quality of writing, photography, storyline, tastelesness, animal abuse and suffering you win the TR of the Month Award. Congratulations. You may pick up your prize at the Ahwahnee Hotel Front Desk. Tell them Micronut sent you. By the way, the only TR that was in the running with this one was the Four Loco Product Test. It was disqualified due to the fact that it was about bouldering.
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frog-e
Trad climber
Imperial Beach California
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Keep up the great work Tahoe523!!
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le_bruce
climber
Oakland, CA
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Sweet! And damn, what a great spring season you've had. Thanks for sharing it all.
I'm married, and still own my aid gear, and haven't aided anything big in years... but I know some badass married aid climbers :)
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Mark Hudon
Trad climber
On the road.
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after 60 hours into our 24-hour attempt, we make it to the top.
Excellent!
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Doug Robinson
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Even the boss must appreciate your humor.
And to look at your fall tic list has the peanut gallery wriggling in our seats, yup.
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BriGuy
climber
black hills, south dakota
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Haha, nice work. Too funny, great read.
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johntp
Trad climber
Punter, Little Rock
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Nice TR!
Every time I see a pic of boot flake I can't help but wonder what is holding it in place.
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Double D
climber
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Possibly one of the best TR's I've read! Bravo!
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karodrinker
Trad climber
San Jose, CA
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Id love to share a rope with you someday. If so try not to make me laugh and fall off cruxes.
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mcreel
climber
Barcelona
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So, did you manage to keep your job?
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starthere
climber
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Wow, that's crazy! Thanks for sharing.
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Karl Baba
Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
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Super fun and well done!
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Cain J Waters
Mountain climber
Ithaca, NY
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You are quite possibly the most entertaining read on the internet when it comes to climbing TRs. We're lucky that you've decided to post your adventurous exploits on the Supertopo! We will continue to climb vicariously and await your next report. All the best! -CW & AW
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utahman912
Social climber
SLC, UT
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Clearly in the lead for "Best Trip Report of the Year"
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tahoe523
Trad climber
Station Wagon, USA
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Author's Reply
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Jul 7, 2011 - 10:46pm PT
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I have a rad boss. But it's 7:30pm on a Thursday night and I'm still at work, so that tells you something.
It wasn't worth almost getting fired for. (not saying that just because I know he's reading this. Hi, Ken!!) The rock isn't going anywhere. Well, unless that bird was really a Peregrine and then NPS decides to close the Nose. Can you imagine the whinery?
The cool thing about being a climber unfettered, mortgage and child free is that if you *do* happen to get the boot, the consolation prize is pretty sweet. I did briefly fantasize about going back to Squamish and then to the Bugs. Oh well.
Thanks for reading. Glad you were entertained. They're all mega long. You definitely are not part of Generation ADHD.
Cheers!
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Ezra Ellis
Trad climber
North wet, and Da souf
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Fantastic write up Tahoe,
You get TR of the year in my book. Great sense of humor about being a homeless bag lady when you retire! Made me laugh!
Best wishes on your future endeavors, please write them up!!!!
-e
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Zander
climber
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Nice Tahoe!
That is a trip report, Oh yeah.
Zander
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Vitaliy M.
Mountain climber
San Francisco
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Jul 20, 2011 - 03:29pm PT
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What a beautiful report! The monkeys WERE sendin after all!! : )))))
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Dirka
Trad climber
Hustle City
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Jul 20, 2011 - 10:02pm PT
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That was gggggggggggggooooooooooooooooooooooooooodddddddddddddddd!
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tbrain
climber
Boston, MA
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Jul 20, 2011 - 10:08pm PT
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Awesome, Shino! Thanks for posting. Girl climbers rule!
...& seriously the ONLY time i have penis envy is when i'm on a wall with a full bladder.
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
Nothing creative to say
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Jul 20, 2011 - 11:27pm PT
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bang up job
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'Pass the Pitons' Pete
Big Wall climber
like Ontario, Canada, eh?
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Jul 21, 2011 - 12:09am PT
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Fabulous writing, Shino - thanks!
Was that you who shouted over, "Is that Pete?!" from El Cap Tower.
And thanks for those beers, eh? Good luck on the Hulk!
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skibum
Big Wall climber
korea
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Jul 21, 2011 - 03:00am PT
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-From the passing LA NIAD team-
Thanks for sharing TR!
We watched you guys from Great Roof. Despite the entertaining self deprecation we thought you were vary strong and fast!
I think YOU CAN REALLY DO IT in 1 day!
Good luck for next NIAD.
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tonym
climber
Oklahoma
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Jul 21, 2011 - 09:33am PT
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Congrats!
"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience".
Nice TR thanks for sharing I really enjoyed it!
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tahoe523
Trad climber
Station Wagon, USA
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Author's Reply
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Jul 21, 2011 - 01:34pm PT
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Pete, this is an excerpt from our bivy to bivy screenplay:
Me: How many more weeks before you top out?
You: [muttering something about tequila]
Me: [repeats question]
You: What's the date?
Me: June 26th
You: No. The year. What's the year?
The Hungarian: Isn't he that weird, slow, crazy, horny Canadian?
[Silence]
By the way, I left you a bag of Oregon's finest coffee with your lady friend in the Ahwahnee. You must have me confused with another cracked out Asian. It's okay. All of you middle aged Canadians look the same to me, too.
Hristo, please let me know when you're heading back to Yosemite. I'd like to meet you when you're on the ground- more importantly, not moving.
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Clint Cummins
Trad climber
SF Bay area, CA
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Jul 21, 2011 - 01:58pm PT
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^^^^ haha, too funny for supertopo!! Laughs like that always appreciated. And Pete is great at the court jester role. :-)
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cultureshock
Trad climber
Mountain View
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Apr 25, 2012 - 12:28pm PT
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BUMP!
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Dirka
Trad climber
Hustle City
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Apr 25, 2012 - 01:36pm PT
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BzzzzzNump!
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wayne burleson
climber
Amherst, MA
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Apr 26, 2012 - 05:27pm PT
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Missed this one the first time around... Great writing! I had to wipe tears away at one point...
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gent
Trad climber
portland, or
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That WAS funny! Thanks for the "bumps"- that TR really deserved it.
The breakdown of male-female differences/advantages is truly classic and priceless.
Thanks so much!
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Missed it the first time too. Great stuff (well, except about the baby bird. :/ ) Thanks for the bump!
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Jan
Mountain climber
Colorado & Nepal
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Best trip report ever!
Great role model for us old gals to fantasize about.
Next lifetime, you're my mentor.
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le_bruce
climber
Oakland, CA
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Oh gawd I laughed harder on the second read. GOOD CALL by whoever bumped.
Bird puncher cracks me up. Once in Manitou Springs I saw a guy with the tattoo "Face puncher" scrawled on his arm in crappy writing. Not a joke, honest truth.
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Don Paul
Social climber
Washington DC
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Great story! My first trip up El Cap I wanted to top out as soon as possible and get the hell back to safety as soon as possible. We were up at dawn and finishing the last pitch of the day in the dark. Why? Scared shitless that's why. But my next time I do plan to go slower and enjoy the ride. And figure out how the 2:1 pulley system works.
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Mike Bolte
Trad climber
Planet Earth
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Sep 13, 2012 - 10:46am PT
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wow - how did I miss this before. That was hilarious! And, way to go too.
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OldEric
Trad climber
Westboro, MA
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Sep 13, 2012 - 12:56pm PT
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As good as it gets
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Dirka
Trad climber
Hustle City
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Sep 13, 2012 - 08:35pm PT
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TFPU! Congratulations.
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AntinJ
Ice climber
Golden, CO
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Awesome TR! I just discovered this old thread after scheming up some bad, Nose-related judgement of my own. Thanks for persuading me even further towards this disaster-style approach.
Great read,
J
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snowhazed
Trad climber
Oaksterdam, CA
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rad that this was dug up! loved it
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L
climber
Just livin' the dream
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Sep 10, 2015 - 05:20pm PT
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Great TR!
Funny as hell.
Do more; post more!
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Ryan Evans
climber
Mammoth Lakes
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Sep 11, 2015 - 10:06am PT
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" Sometimes I think it’s more fun to watch a Chia Pet grow fur. No wonder the Silent Partner retails at $240. Human labor is cheap."
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le_bruce
climber
Oakland, CA
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Sep 11, 2015 - 10:20am PT
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Third read, still better.
Touches on all the important themes in big wall climbing: poop, fear, the worry of boners, Hungarians, menstruation, laying comatose under storms, frowning with laughter.
Was Shinto even real, or a dream that came to us? Long live the Keyser Söze of ST.
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overwatch
climber
Arizona
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bump for climbing...well written and humorous as others said.
I just skimmed the comments, did you go back for the NIAD?
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L
climber
Just livin' the dream
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Oct 10, 2017 - 06:48pm PT
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So funny bump.
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Studly
Trad climber
WA
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Oct 10, 2017 - 07:29pm PT
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Awesome TR. Great writing and humor and spirit of adventure!
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Zay
climber
Monterey, Ca
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Dec 31, 2018 - 05:34am PT
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It's 5:30am, it's dark, I'm my friends' house... and I might have just woke them from accross the house with bellowing laughter.
Bump.
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Aeriq
Sport climber
100-year Visitor
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Dec 31, 2018 - 07:16am PT
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Missed this the first time around - thanks for the bump.
Great writing!
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mynameismud
climber
backseat
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Dec 31, 2018 - 08:45am PT
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Made me laugh. Nice TR
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Mei
Trad climber
mxi2000.net
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Dec 31, 2018 - 08:50am PT
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Her writing is so good. Too bad that she stopped posting, but maybe it’s because she’s busy going on adventures.
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Mike Bolte
Trad climber
Planet Earth
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well, that was fun! Thanks.
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Clint Cummins
Trad climber
SF Bay area, CA
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Mei,
Her writing is so good. Too bad that she stopped posting, but maybe it’s because she’s busy going on adventures. Yes, Shino is doing plenty of adventuring - she posts some stuff on facebook and my son Skyler has done many fun climbs with her.
These trip reports were written mostly for her father, when his health was in decline and he was remembering his old climbing dreams (like climbing El Cap) but realizing that he would not be able to achieve them.
So she kind of did the climbs in place of him.
nothing brought him joy like reading and seeing pictures of his daughter on the historic routes he read about while growing up. It became my mission to share my mischief with him as he adventured vicariously; I was now climbing for two. http://www.supertopo.com/tr/The-Last-Trip-Report/t11146n.html
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The Nose—the best rock climb in the world! Photo: Mark Kroese
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- TR: My visit to the Canoe
May 31, 2019; 10:24pm
- Death, Alpine Climbing, The Shield on El Cap
May 31, 2019; 4:07pm
- Andy Nisbet (1953-2019)
May 31, 2019; 2:11pm
- Drama on Baboquivari Peak
May 31, 2019; 1:19pm
- Joffre + The Aemmer Couloir: ski descents come unexpected catharsis [part 2]
May 31, 2019; 7:45am
- Lost To The Sea, by Disaster Master
May 30, 2019; 5:36am
- My Up And Down Life, Disaster Master
May 29, 2019; 11:44pm
- Halibut Hats and Climbers-What Gives?
May 29, 2019; 7:24pm
- G Rubberfat Overhang-First Ascent 1961
May 29, 2019; 12:28pm
- Coonyard Pinnacle 50 Years Later
May 29, 2019; 12:24pm
- Great Pumpkin with Mr Kamps and McClinsky- 1971
May 29, 2019; 12:02pm
- View more trip reports >
Other Routes on El Capitan
| Freerider, 5.12D El Capitan
The Salathé Wall ascends the most natural line up El Cap. |
| Zodiac, A2 5.7 El Capitan
1800' of fantastic climbing. |
| Salathe Wall, 5.13b or 5.9 C2 El Capitan
The Salathé Wall ascends the most natural line up El Cap. |
| Lurking Fear, C2F 5.7 El Capitan
Lurking Fear is route number 1. |
| East Buttress, 5.10b El Capitan
East Buttress with top of The Nose on left. |
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