Trip Report
TR 1990-07 My First Worst Climbing Mistake in the USSR
Thursday September 15, 2011 3:20pm
This is a duplicate of something I posted here a while back. I remembered it because of another thread about some Russian bridge climbing and Jaybro's references to the Gulag. It took me 15 minutes of Googling to find my old story, reposting here so I can find it more easily. Original post:
http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=315847&tn=54

Summer of 1990, long nights in the last days of the Soviet Union.

I was in a youth science exchange program learning about their space program. And I was 16 yrs old, away from an overly-restrictive home for the first time, and I had a childhood full of selling boy scout crap, magazine subscriptions, and other stuff door-to-door to build my selling instincts.

So against multiple dire warnings by our American chaperones and group organizers that we'd be shipped off to a Siberian gulag if we participated in the black market, and after horrific tales of what happened to kids the year before, our first night in Moscow our dorms had visitors hawking their wares. I quickly lost the 2 pairs of jeans I brought with me. Upon arrival in Leningrad (now St Petersberg), I traded the Nike shirt off my back for a Sovietsky Soyuz Socialist Respublic shirt with a map of all the states. Then it got serious.... most of the kids in our delegation were crapping their pants worried about getting caught talking to these people, but they wanted stuff. My buddy and I smelled money.

Every night we started going out for a midnight rendezvous, collecting flags, military pins, navy and army hats like in those bad movies with Arnold Swartzenneger or Dolph Lundgren, etc... A week into it we were taking special orders from our American cohorts, then building up our system of suppliers to fulfill requests. We'd buy 3 military watches and sell 1 for the same price, keeping the others as our personal souvenir stash. The most difficult special request was a woolen trenchcoat with navy ensignia on it. In hindsight I realize that our avarice and ignorant longing for adventure came at the expense of some poor souls who probably had their gear stolen to fuel these trades.

What does all this have to do with climbing? Hold yer horses. It's coming...

So one day we were supposed to go on a tour of the Hermitage, quite a large museum with one of the best art collections in the world. Instead my buddy and I ditched the group right when we got there, and hopped in a taxi across Leningrad to do our dirty business. We ran into complications on the way back, not least of which was our lack of a map, first visit to a large city, and a Russian vocabulary that mostly consisted of "that's too expensive" and "would you like to dance with me?"

By the time we get back to the museum to rejoin our group, all the kids are loaded up in a bus. The physics professor chaperones who have tried hard to ignore our hijinks just can't ignore this. They pretended not to notice when we were falling down drunk after a night of beer, wine, vodka, and beating ourselves with leaves in boiling saunas. But with the sweat beads dripping down the windows of the bus in the baking afternoon sun, and the priceless mix of anger and awe and "you're screwed!" written on all the kids' faces, it was clear that our time was up. From that point on, we were tied at the hip to the chaperones. But everyone has to sleep sometime.

And so comes the climbing part of this epic journey...

We slip past security out the back door of our hotel, bound for our last midnight meeting near an abandoned housing complex. The final round of goods scored, we reach the hotel. Crap! The back door we used is locked. And going through the front is out of the question. Now I haven't formally discovered climbing as a sport yet.... But I've climbed up to the roof of a house or two. Now I'm confronted with a 10-story building, and every balcony landing up to the 5th floor is covered in chain-link fence to prevent people from getting in our out. The drain pipes look pretty solid.... away I go. The plan is for me to climb up, reach a balcony where I can enter, then come down and open the door for my buddy.

I'm fully in the zone of my first solo, 4 stories up. A friendly Russian couple several floors above is attentively watching this American idiot. And then my worst fears are realized. No, not smacking the ground. But the thought of pulling cabbages out of permafrost in a Soviet gulag certainly scared the bujeezus out of me. And the voice of authority, in thick Russian, came yelling from below. The police station was next door to our hotel... should have done more research. In the souped up paranoia created by our chaperones and American organizers, we thought these guys were the KGB. We braced ourselves for torture. We would eventually have to confess. And our bloody stumps of fingers would be digging at icy dirt to extract those cabbages, which our bloodied hollow eye sockets wouldn't be able to see.

Speaking of bloody stumps of fingers, I'm still hanging by my fingers in a chain link fence, stemmed out from a drain pipe, nearly 5 stories off the ground. My buddy has been captured. You never leave your men behind. I froze. I can't make out the Russian, but I'm sure it's something like "get your ass down here and join your friend, so we can beat you to a bloody pulp and make you disappear forever." I complied. Pulling myself together enough to finish the task at hand, I reach a balcony and flop myself over the railing. Meanwhile, the friendly Russian couple above is shouting something down to our captor. Now I'm back down to the bottom, out the door, and into custody with my buddy. Rifle in hand, the KGB agent marches us to the deep shadows on the side of the building. Suddenly frozen cabbages don't seem so bad. Hey, I could learn to like a gulag... it can't be all bad! "Hey buddy, let's talk about this..."

But he keeps walking. We find ourselves at the fully-lit front entrance to the hotel, where we are turned loose in the lobby. Filled with wonder and relief that the KGB didn't execute us, we now dread the hotel security that will surely raise alarms to our chaperones. Again to our amazement, we walk back to our rooms with no event. I guess these Russian dudes are pretty cool!

So I got lucky, but that climbing incident could have led to a fate worse than death.

  Trip Report Views: 2,751
nutjob
About the Author
nutjob is a climber from Berkeley, CA.

Some people call me the space cowboy yeah
Some call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maurice
'Cause I speak of the pompetous of love

Comments
MH2

Boulder climber
Andy Cairns
  Sep 15, 2011 - 03:29pm PT
Great report!
Vitaliy M.

Mountain climber
San Francisco
  Sep 15, 2011 - 06:30pm PT
No pictures, but I actually read the whole thing haha Nice story. First free solo!
Mr_T

Trad climber
Northern California
  Sep 16, 2011 - 08:16pm PT
One of the best TRs on the taco!
Mungeclimber

Trad climber
Nothing creative to say
  Sep 16, 2011 - 08:40pm PT
maybe you could go back and get a copy of your dossier now! ;)
Ezra Ellis

Trad climber
North wet, and Da souf
  Sep 20, 2011 - 10:07pm PT
Nice job, Nut Job,
thanks!
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
  Sep 20, 2011 - 10:50pm PT
Ex ti molodets! Zamechatelno!
Fritz

Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
  Sep 20, 2011 - 10:51pm PT
I remember enjoying the original report.

I do like: "bad, bad, teens stories."

Glad they didn't shoot you off the hotel wall.
NutAgain!

Trad climber
https://nutagain.org
  Apr 13, 2015 - 12:53pm PT
This one is about ripe for a bump!
Big Mike

Trad climber
BC
  Apr 13, 2015 - 01:10pm PT
Awesome story Nut. Do you still have some of the loot?
NutAgain!

Trad climber
https://nutagain.org
  Apr 13, 2015 - 01:12pm PT
Hahaha, at this point in life I don't think the story would phase my parents ;) But there's a pretty good chance I never told them!
Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
  Apr 13, 2015 - 05:34pm PT
Worth reading again.

My first day in Moscow way BITD I went for a jet lagged oh dark thirty
jog, with camera in hand, of course. Suddenly I'm in front of the
Communist Party Headquarters and the early morning light is perfect for
a nice shot of the very impressive doors. Yes, I did notice the Zhiguli
parked facing the building but, hey, they're just doors! As I'm framing
the shot suddenly there's shouting and I see a dude running towards me
from the identical pair of doors 75 yards away. Rather than blowing my
cover I pretended to non capisce and smiled, bowed, and scraped. I got
my shot.

BTW, the real KGB searched my room in Leningrad and took some subversive
stuff I had picked up. It wasn't subversive enough to haul me in but
they had to show their watch officer that they had actually done something.
Jaybro

Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
  Apr 13, 2015 - 05:45pm PT
Малодец!
NutAgain!

Trad climber
https://nutagain.org
  Apr 13, 2015 - 08:04pm PT
For Big Mike... Ok, I got inspired to crack a seal that has been shut for quite a while...




If I did this today, would homeland security detain me for arms trafficking?


Turbulent times!

Notice the masking tape on the emergency door. I think I changed seats because of this door falling in my lap before take-off. I happened to have tape, wire, and various MacGuyver tools in my fanny pack. You never know what you'll need on your first trip away from home, let alone an international trip.

But honestly, the most significant part of the trip was the immediate depth of friendships I formed with the soviet kids, starting with a ridiculously muddy soccer game in Dmitrov from which nobody emerged with dry clothes and continuing with nightly hijinks in the city when I stayed on the floor with all the other Soviet kids instead of with all the Americans; putting a dent in my innocence with my first wet kiss (she was a spaniard in Moscow, alas I never learned her name), and first make-out sessions and dirty dancing (with Russians); but deeper than that, it was my first dive into emotional attachment with the opposite sex based on something more than secret crushes from a distance. It opened a profound window of human connection for me. I spent days walking Moscow with Kcenya, exploring small museums and the works of street artists. We talked about everything. I stayed with her family, in their friends' apartment because it was probably much nicer than theirs. That was the real Russia. Those moments of connection with her, no facades, each seeing into each other's hearts clearly, knowing each other's deepest desires. And then being mixed with the rest of the soviet kids, and how the group dynamics put a strain on that intimacy we'd formed, and my youthful exuberance unwilling to miss other experiences and somehow unable to recapture that magic we experienced the first few days alone. One of my life regrets is that I did not stay in touch. I grew up somewhat like a gypsy moving around, and easily made and broke attachments. I didn't know how to value the connections we form with people. But it was magic, and it fills my heart with happiness to remember, and some desire to go back and teach my younger self how to make something grow from the gifts that were given to me.

It was only 3 weeks, but I lived a lifetime!

Reilly

Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
  Apr 13, 2015 - 09:06pm PT
Nut, don't provoke me or I'll sic my boids on you!


And if you get really uppity I'll be forced to call in some help...
David C

Trad climber
UK
  Apr 14, 2015 - 12:43pm PT
For those that have not read it, this is one of the best climbing stories about the USSR:

http://www.amazon.com/Jagged-Red-Line-Nick-Williams-ebook/dp/B009T8XBD2

it really is worth reading.
Mungeclimber

Trad climber
Nothing creative to say
  Apr 14, 2015 - 12:52pm PT
we'll get those capitalist dogs, eh comrade! ;)


great stories. tfpu
Big Mike

Trad climber
BC
  Apr 14, 2015 - 03:40pm PT
Very cool Nut! I bet if you found that girl she would remember you fondly.

I'm so glad I edited my post. I basically tfpu'd and then thought for a second about what i could ask you. Look what i got! You just added so much depth to this tale. Thanks.
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