This is the worst trip report you'll read all year. But it's free, and it's climbing content.

El Capitan is pretty big. I jugged up the right side. I walked around on top. Found the route topout (thanks for the pics Clint, perfect). I did not, however, find my ropes. So borrowing a stashed rope, rapped in and found a party starting the next to last pitch on the Salathe. Plans of working pitches o a minitrax in disarray, and with temps 85F and rising, I jug back out, walk back to the E ledges and rap down. The Very Big. FAIL.

At least I didn't get Gugglielmucci'd.

The Camp4 and Cathedral Boulders are pretty small (by comparison). So after my ElCap misadventure, I went to visit these old favorites. And floated them easier than I ever have. Things I used to struggle to do on a good day, went down in teribble conditions, first go. It was 92 degrees. Bachar Cracker for a warmup, Ament Arete, Kor Face, Battle of the Bulge, Cocaine Corner, The King, The Octagon. Now sufficiently warmed up, on to the main event. Thriller. Which soundly kicks my ass. What am I thinking, hard bouldering at 87 degrees. The very small, yet very beautiful. FAIL.

At least I ran into an old friend and climbing partner who is now on YOSAR in the boulders. Hadn't seen him in about 10 years or more. Really is the Center of the Universe.

A week later...

The Flakes at Tahquitz is supposed to be one of the best routes there. I aimed to find out, despite not having lead a pitch since about March (a theme of my TRs is off the couch style adventures). So I remember how to tie in and set off leading the first pitch...we don't need no stinking warmups.

Halfway up the pitch, the biggest pieces of gear I've got in are a little brass offset and a #3 peanut. The feature is a seam in a right facing thick flake of sorts, but it's mostly face climbing on edges. I look at that peanut, and punch it a couple body lengths to the next pumpy stance. Fish in a bad nut, look at the fall. My only thought is "I'm gonna get f*#ked up on that ramp and break legs at a minimum if I don't get a piece in here". Can't see the placement. Yank on the nut, it pops out. Sh#t, Place another, lean over to look at it...marginal but probably the best I'm going to get. Clip it. Lean over a little further to look at the placement...and suddenly I'm flying. Leaned too far as it turns out. 10' later I'm dangling. It held. I return to the highpoint and remember that I've got a blue/black alien hybrid on my harness (I rarely carry them free climbing), I place it 4" higher than the stopper. It's bomber.

Busting a groin-wrecking stem, I start across the overlap and 8' from the end of the pitch finally get my first confidence inspiring gear, a 00 TCU, under the roof. The roof proves trivial - a long pull off a big edge and now we get a respite, a moderate pitch along another flake. It's pretty cool, and not difficult but this is real deal old-school 5.8, small holds along the flake edge and spaced gear, in a great position. Now, the crux.

I've gotten some vague beta...the crux is a reach problem, super easy for tall people, desperate boulder problem if you're under 6'. "Look for a heel hook" a friend says. So I set off, finding the initial section leading to the crux bulge quite a bit more difficult than I expected. Tips and fingers in a little corner system up this pointy pedestal. And then...WTF? There is a bolt up there, replacing what was originally a fixed pin, that will protect the crux moves. But standing up on this pillar is sketchy. The bulge is pushing you off backwards, and the last gear is a tiny stopper placement in the side of the pedestal a little ways below your feet. A fall would be rattler down the pedestal so...you don't fall there. Which brings to mind a Largo/Powell exchange, paraphrased:

"If you fell from there..."
"You don't fall there"
"But what if you did?"
"You don't."
"Yeah, but if you did.."
"Hoh man! You don't @%$&ing fall there!"

Some yoga-worthy contortions have me in an almost hand-foot match position, leaning backwards, somehow managing to clip this bolt at the limit of my reach.

Then the puzzling starts. Heel hook? Really? Where? There is a great, full hand sidepull at chest level, some really bad sloping crimps and pinches, and basically nothing for feet. I throw a heel hook way out left on a sloping shelf, grab a tiny sidepull in the pinscar and try to rock up. I'm so spread out I can't even raise my body 4". Then try to use a sloping pinch and a minute crystal for a foot and just crank straight on...and I'm off. All the sloping crimp sequences get tried. I settle on a method that will be hard, but it will go. 5.11+ my ass, the sequence I've committed to is around V7. On the fourth attempt, I finally hang the jug at the end and continue to the belay. My partner gets to the move, grabs a few of the holds I used, declares them all jingus, does a heel hook to hand match on the big left sidepull, rocks up and pops to the jug. "V3 or V4" he declares. Well, at least one of us is smart enough to figure out the best method.

He takes off leading the Price of Fear finish. Rated 10c with a slab crux, and with a name like that, I'm kind of glad he's leading it. My nerves are a little ragged at this point. He cruises, and as I follow what is a spectacular pitch - a very nice 1" crack to a few bolts of slab perched on the arching arete at the margin of the west face bulge - I can't help but think this pitch is badly misnamed. For an Idyllwild slab pitch, this is pretty soft and the bolts are reasonably close together and right where you need them. I guess you can also do this pitch as a finish to SuperPooper, so don't miss it if you're up there for that route. It's really a nice finish.

A week later...

Valhalla onsight attempt. We get up at 5:30am and are out of Riverside at 6am to try to beat the heat. Drop the kids off at the Humber Park pool, cross the street, up the trail, and start climbing. Damn it's hot. Hmm, that first bolt seems a little high, hope I don't crater on this ledge. Hey bro, stand left of that tree, maybe if I blow it I can push off and miss the ledge and the rope will wrap the tree. It's 75F and rising, quickly. Perfect temps for thin slab....WTF am I thinking? Cursing the SOB who drill the first bolt, and wondering how in the hell Jacobs manages to clip this thing, I streeeeettttccchhhhh and make the first clip. I get to the crux and can't decide left or right. Three falls later, I'm at the belay atop p1.

Partner can't manage the p1 crux, but pulls through on a draw and somehow manages to reach back and unclip it. By now, it's about 80 degrees, and fully in the sun. WTF am I thinking. "Well, we're up here, I'm going to at least go see what the p2 crux (crux of the route)is all about". So I traverse out, clip the crux bolt and try to decipher the sequence. There isn't a speck of chalk on the entire route...because you know, most people aren't dumb enough to climb Suicide slab in summer conditions. I whip. Try a different sequence. Whip again, but that'll work. Get a move higher than the last attempt, and whip again. The falls are getting progressively worse with a pendulum that is spinning me around in pirouettes as I try to spot and avoid the sloping, ankle breaker ramp waiting below. Fourth time's the charm and I'm through the crux, standing on a nice stance. Grab the next black lichen covered sloper, stand up, grab the next one...the holds are 900 degrees. This is not fun. I look down. I look up. F*#k this. Despite the hard climbing being below me, even the easy moves feel desperate in this heat and sun. I downclimb a couple moves and jump off. Stonemaster entrance exam? FAIL.

But we go to the NE buttress and N Face and have an enjoyable day climbing in the shade...you know, where we should have been in the first place. Etude, Johnny Quest, Peer Pressure, etc. And BTW, Etude is sporting only one fixed pin these days, the very bottom one, so take some small tcus (like green c3) and be ready to use them.

I'll be back, on both of them...but I think I'll make my partner lead the start of the Flakes, my excitement quota is full up.

Don't miss any of these routes, they really are fantastic. The Vampire is still the best route on Tahquitz, but the Flakes is engaging, with great position. Take a good selection of micronuts/brass/peanuts/rps etc for p1, you don't get any cams until well over halfway up the pitch. A blue/black hybrid alien is very useful. The gear is sufficient, if technical. Price of Fear is great, safe, and easily doable for the 10- leader. Valhalla is all there, fun techy sequential climbing, just wait for a cool day.

Have fun out there.